5. Google, Blessed Be Thy Name
After clawing our way through Apple's DUNS-ridden signup hellscape, it's time for the other side of the coin: Google Play.
And honestly? Compared to Apple, this feels like a spa day. Don't get me wrong - it's still bureaucracy, but at least it's straightforward.
Step 1: Grab a Google Account
Unlike Apple, you don't need to buy a shiny new laptop just to join the club. All you need is a Google account.
👉 https://play.google.com/console/signup
This can be:
Your personal Gmail.
Your company Gmail.
That random spam Gmail you made in 2012.
Doesn't matter. As long as it's a Google account, you're in.
Step 2: The DUNS Curveball
Now, in classic "copy Apple's homework but make it less awful" fashion, Google has recently started asking for a DUNS number too.
Yep. The same random US-centric business identifier you'll never use again in your life.
The difference? With Google it's much quicker and less soul-destroying. Plug it in, and the process usually moves along in minutes, not days.
Step 3: Pay the Fee
Apple makes you bleed $149 USD every year. Google? Just a one-time fee of $25 USD.
That's it. No yearly tax. No ongoing "rent" to exist. You pay once, you're in forever.
Honestly, I'd pay the $25 just for the schadenfreude of telling Apple about it.
Step 4: Create a Payment Profile
This is the only semi-annoying step. Google makes you set up a payment profile before you can publish apps. It's basically how they track your money (or your lack thereof).
The process is simple though:
Fill in your business details.
Link a bank account.
Verify some emails.
Three minutes later, you're good.
Step 5: Verify Your Identity
You'll need to upload some documents - driver's license, passport, or business certificate - so Google knows you're real.
Unlike Apple, this usually takes hours, not days. You'll get an email saying "Verification complete" and suddenly, you're in.
Step 6: You're Done
That's it. No Mac required. No secret handshakes. No annual fee.
For $25 and some basic paperwork, you're now the proud owner of a Google Play Developer account.
Survival Tips
Use a dedicated Gmail → keep your dev stuff separate from your personal spam inbox.
Get a privacy policy ready → Google will nag you for it anyway when you make your first app.
Keep documents handy → identity verification can stall if you upload blurry phone pics.
Apple vs Google: The TL;DR
Apple: $149 per year, requires a Mac, DUNS wait times, bureaucracy galore.
Google: $25 once, any laptop, still annoying but survivable.
One feels like joining a secret society. The other feels like signing up for Netflix.
Coming Up Next
With both developer accounts ready, it's time for the next circle of hell: actually creating your app inside these stores.
Apple's bundle IDs, Google's hand-holding, screenshots, previews, privacy forms - we'll cover it all in the next article.