Part 1: You Must Be This Old To Scroll: Legislating Away Children So We Don't Have To Talk To Them

Aug 14, 2025

SPECIAL EDITION

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                                            Australia: Finalist in the Nanny State Olympics 2025
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Now with 97% more delusion, 0% research, and a full-stack attack on small business.

Ahh, Australia. The land of sunshine, snags, and now: sweeping social legislation that somehow manages to unite tech companies, privacy experts, and small business owners in one unified "what on earth is going on?"

If you ever thought, "Gee, what we need is to blow up half the internet under the noble guise of saving the children," then congrats - you might just qualify for a role in Parliament. Because that's exactly what this new social media age-verification bill is teeing up: mass overreach, poor definitions, and a scorched-earth policy for digital platforms.

Welcome to the age of 'reasonable steps' - the legislative version of "just use common sense," only with the possibility of $50 million fines if you get it wrong.

The Premise: "Protect the Children" - But Make It Market-Hostile

Here's the quick-and-dirty summary of the legislation:

Platforms must verify that users are 16+ to create an account.
If they don't, they risk penalties of up to $49.5 million per breach.
To qualify, a platform must have a "sole or significant purpose" of enabling online social interaction.
And yes - that's as vague as it sounds.

Posting? Commenting? Reacting? Sharing memes? That's social interaction. So congrats, your forum plugin from 2007 is now a social media company - and subject to the same compliance burden as Meta.

But wait, there's more. The law also includes a handy clause that says:

"The service meets such other conditions (if any) as are set out in the legislative rules."

Translation: "We'll figure it out later. Maybe. If we feel like it."

What's Actually in Scope? Spoiler: Basically Everything

Let's break this down. The legislation might pretend it's aimed at TikTok and Facebook, but it casts a net so wide it could catch Migaloo and 3 AUKUS submarines.

1. Discussion Platforms & Forums

Reddit, Quora, 4chan, Discourse forums. If it has user-generated content and a comment button? Boom, you're in scope.

2. Livestreaming & Creator Platforms

Twitch, Kick, Instagram Live, TikTok LIVE. Real-time interaction, comments, live chats - yep, that's interaction.

3. Content Discovery & Reaction Apps

TikTok, Reels, Pinterest, Snap. You scroll, you react, you engage. That's enough.

4. Photo & Video Sharing Apps

BeReal, VSCO, even Google Photos with shared albums if you're brave. User uploads + reactions = social media in the government's eyes.

5. Anonymous Q&A Platforms

NGL, Tellonym, YikYak. Doesn't matter if it's anonymous. If users post and interact? That's "social."

6. Niche Communities

Strava, Goodreads, Letterboxd. You're not safe just because you're posting run stats or book reviews. Interaction = inclusion.

7. Dating Apps

Tinder, Bumble, Hinge. Connecting humans is literally the product. Say hello to verification.

8. Social Marketplaces

Facebook Marketplace, Depop, Etsy. "Follow sellers"? "Send messages"? That's interaction. You're cooked.

9. Event & Meetup Apps

Meetup, Luma, IRL. Encourages strangers to meet IRL. That's as social as it gets.

10. Productivity Apps with Social Layers

Notion, Duolingo. Collaborative docs, leaderboards, comments? Sorry, you're in the blast zone.

So What's Not Included? (At Least, For Now...)

✅ Messaging Apps

WhatsApp, Telegram, Signal, Discord - because direct chat apparently isn't social unless it's got stickers and a like button.

✅ Online Games

Even if they have chatrooms, social guilds, or marketplaces - as long as gaming is the main point, they're good. Roblox squeaks by. For now.

✅ Health & Education Platforms

Because nothing says "not social media" like kids discussing trauma in group therapy apps.

❌ YouTube: Initially Exempt, Now Definitely In

Originally excluded. Now explicitly included. Government changed its mind in July 2025 after realising maybe it's one of the most harmful platforms for kids. Oops.

⚠️ Platform Confusion Is the Point

Spotify has shared playlists and friend feeds - social? Reddit is a forum - but Stack Overflow is a forum too. Which is it?

You see the problem? The legislation wants to be vague. Why? So it can be interpreted however they like at any given moment.

🚪 Access Denied (But Only Sort Of): The Account vs Content Illusion

Let's be crystal clear about what this legislation actually does.

It bans accounts, not content.

That's right - this entire nanny-state parade doesn't stop Little Timmy from accessing questionable or inappropriate content.

It just stops him from commenting on it.

Let that sink in.

Can Timmy make a TikTok account? No. Can he watch 47 straight minutes of TikTok dances and Andrew Tate clips in a browser? Absolutely.
Can Timmy log into Pornhub? Nope. Can he browse an endless supply of smut in incognito mode without logging in? Yep.
Can Timmy open a Reddit account to join r/teenagers? Not anymore. Can he read every post about depression, sex, and ketamine cocktails? You better believe it.

This law doesn't protect minors from content. It protects platforms from liability - while still allowing the full buffet of internet madness to be served to any underage kid with a Wi-Fi connection and a basic grasp of the search bar.

It's not a gate. It's a velvet rope.

"Sorry Timmy, you can't come in here and engage with this content... but feel free to peer through the window 24/7. Enjoy!"

If this was really about safety, they'd be regulating the algorithms, the recommendation engines, the * rabbit holes*, and the content moderation systems that actually shape user experience.

Instead, we get a performative age check on the signup page and a pat on the back for "doing something."

Welcome to the legislative equivalent of locking the front door while leaving all your windows wide open with a flashing sign that says "Come in, just don't touch anything."

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