Part 6: Surviving the Apocalypse - A Playbook for Founders, Marketers, and Humans
Deep breath. This hasn't just been a rant (though let's be honest, it's been a world-class rant). It's also a survival guide - because despite the circus, there are ways to adapt.
This is about buying time, holding ground, and making sure that when the dust settles, you're still here.
🔧 If You're a Founder
Assume You're In Scope Unless your app is literally a local stopwatch with no network permissions, you're in the blast radius.
Design For Age Verification Early Don't "tack it on later." Make your onboarding modular, so when the rules inevitably mutate every six months, you can swap out verification vendors like LEGO bricks.
Track the Guidelines Like They're Holy Scripture The eSafety Commissioner's "guidance notes" aren't bedtime reading - they're your survival manual. Print them. Annotate them. Keep a PDF in your cloud and offline.
Pick Vendors Who Won't Sell You Out Choose providers who delete data fast, store locally, and aren't quietly feeding their ML models with your users' IDs.
Budget For Bureaucracy Verification isn't free. Neither are lawyers. If you're raising, bake these costs in. If you're bootstrapping, understand that "compliance" will be your single most expensive non-feature.
📈 If You're a Marketer
Rebuild Your Funnel From Zero That top-of-funnel reach you've been bragging about? Gone. Under-16s are cut out entirely, and casual clickers are scared off by verification prompts.
Retargeting is Now a Luxury Sport When fewer people get past the ID wall, your remarketing pixel will be a desert. Data scarcity means paying more for worse targeting.
Double Down on Owned Channels Social media is now a gated garden with a cover charge. Build your own gardens - email lists, Discords, newsletters, SMS lists - places where you own the gate.
Get Ahead of the Pushback If you're asking users for ID, be upfront about why and where it's stored. Make it human. Make it optional where you can.
Prepare for CAC Shock Customer Acquisition Costs will spike. If you're paying per verified lead, make sure every dollar pulls its weight.
🧠If You're a User
Know Where Your Data Lives Don't just hand over your passport and hope for the best. Ask where it's stored, who's holding it, and how long they keep it.
Demand Alternatives Push for AI age estimation, parental PINs, or account-linked verification. Refuse platforms that give you one "ID or nothing" option.
Support the Underdogs The indie platforms that play fair will be struggling. Use them. Share them. Keep them alive.
Make Noise Call your MP. Email them. Send them memes if you have to. Make it clear this bill needs limits, privacy rules, and small-business support.
Stay Engaged This isn't a "pass once and forget" law. It's the start of an evolving framework. If you go quiet, it grows unchecked.
Final Word: Protect Kids. Don't Burn the Internet to Do It.
Yes, kids deserve protection. But there's a difference between:
Education and engagement tools that teach online safety
Parents taking responsibility
Platforms adding sensible guardrails
…and the current plan, which is:
Outsource parenting to every website you've ever heard of
Punish creators and founders for existing
Mandate facial scans to join a group chat about Minecraft mods
This law - even with its good intentions - is overreaching, underbaked, and dangerous by design. If left alone, it won't just cut off a few apps. It will hollow out the foundations of digital life in Australia.
🚀 A Satirical Timeline: Australia's Internet in 2030
If nothing changes, here's your future:
2025: Age gates mandated. Public meltdown. Google search for "What the hell is a digital ID?" spikes 4,000%.
2026: TikTok leaves. Instagram becomes a retirement village for verified Boomers posting blurry sunset pics.
2027: You need a retinal scan to log into Canva. Grandma fails verification and rage-quits halfway through a birthday card design.
2028: All memes require watermarks, age stamps, and approval by the Office of Moral Vibesâ„¢.
2029: MyGov's AI assistant eSafetyPal interrupts your feed to ask if your meme is "emotionally constructive."
2030: The open internet is replaced by MyGov.TV - 24/7 yoga tutorials, cooking segments, and Bunnings DIY videos, each preceded by an ID check.
📦 What "Reasonable Steps" Should Have Been
Instead of this mess, here's what would've made sense:
Target actual social media apps instead of sweeping in Goodreads, Notion, and your local dog-walking forum.
Mandate real parental controls and education - give parents the tools, not the bill.
Fund small-business compliance - a $10k integration grant is cheaper than watching the startup scene die.
Offer a privacy-first myID API like Estonia's, not a patchwork of expensive third-party vendors.
Define "reasonable" in writing before you fine anyone for doing it wrong.
Instead, we got "protect the kids" scribbled on a napkin and rushed into law.
Your move. If you run an app - design for privacy. If you market one - prepare for the cost hike. If you use the internet - make noise.
Because this isn't about TikTok. It's about what kind of digital world we want to live in - and whether we get a say before the gates slam shut.